Wednesday, July 13, 2016

I think I have PTSD

This is an anxiety-related post. (As a heads up, I'm working on a philosophy-related post, but it's only in the sketch phase right now.) As a heads-up, this is a really personal post but it's something I needed to get out.

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I don't want to sound like a whiny baby by comparing my feelings with those who went through violent episodes, like front-line soldiers or plane crash survivors. Oftentimes I'll feel rather pathetic by even considering this. And I know all of this will sound really, really crazy and silly to many if not all of you, like it's no big deal or anything.

But I honestly believe I have PTSD.

It happened over two years ago, and it still occupies my mind to this day. Every time I start ruminating about it, it brings about this deep, rumbling anxiety in my gut and a rumbling, pulsing sensation behind my forehead and what feels like my brain.

By "it", I mean my original encounter with Benatar's asymmetry two or so years ago. Jesus, that is so fucking embarrassing to admit. 

I went from being calm and collected to manic and panic-stricken in less than a minute. For two days I had a racing heartbeat and a clouded mind. I couldn't think, I couldn't eat, I couldn't fall asleep. My obsessions and compulsions were raging. I thought the asymmetry was obviously true and unassailable, and also thought it led to pro-mortalism - thus my panic. Maybe if I were introduced to it in a different manner, things would have been less traumatic.

I'm not sure if I've solved the issue, either, although I think I have (see my recent posts on it). Part of the problem is that not everyone I interact with believes I have solved it, and some even ridicule me to the point of verbally abusing me and telling me to die. That does not feel good to anyone, let alone someone with episodic crippling anxiety. I subconsciously depend on others' approval and so my own rational does not count (welcome to anxiety 101). So I feel inadequate and stupid, not to mention mentally disabled from spending so much time on this one topic.

It was probably the most traumatic incident in my life - and I've been through a fucking school shooting and that doesn't even bother me as much as this. How ridiculous does that sound? A fucking philosophy argument made a bigger impact on my psyche than a school shooting! It's absurd!

I needed to get this out. I have OCD and GAD, and potentially PTSD after a horribly traumatic episode of OCD. It haunts me to this day, like a weight tugging on my psyche, or a permanent, underlying pit of anxiety. I've gotten so used to the ever-present anxiety that I forgot what it's like to not have it.

It should come as no surprise that philosophy has been the primary mode of dealing with this dread and anxiety. But I independently love philosophy outside of its therapeutic properties. I hope to post more philosophy topics that are unrelated to the asymmetry in the future.

Maybe this is one of the best argument for antinatalism: crippling mental disorders. They ruin your life.

4 comments:

  1. Sucks.

    I haven't read much about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, but I can't help but notice that it gets brought up more and more frequently as a potential solution to, or reducer of, PTSD and the like.

    Have you looked into CBT?

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    Replies
    1. I have, it's just difficult to explain the situation to another person who isn't knowledgeable of the subject.

      Meditation also helps. Sympathetic comments on my blog are also nice :)

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    2. Don't link to me in a part of sentence saying someone verbally abused you and told you to kill yourself. I never verbally abused you or told you to kill yourself. You're wrong about the Asymmetry, but many professional philosophers have committed the same mistake, so it's no shame.

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    3. FT, don't pull that bullshit, you told me to die in a fire.

      If I'm wrong about the asymmetry, do please tell me how. Otherwise you're just trolling.

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